Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

The following story is part of Xpress' annual Humor Issue. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously.

"Your negative bias and judgment always come through in a way that makes me think you are not really giving the best feedback ...

Part of that is reading advice columns such as yours. More than once, a person has written about being a part of an open relationship (I’m talking about consensual situations). Your negative ...